 | The Big Yellow Joint
Wednesday November 30th 2005, 9:32 pm |
I was just updating my Amazon wish list in preparation for the holidays, and I thought this was awesome:
The fact that the Amazon database would know an inside joke from Arrested Development was so great that I considered actually buying those bananas with the enthusiasm of a young Mr. Banana Grabber. However, motherfuckers had a $20 shipping cost! I’m sorry, but I’m only willing to spend so much on humor and potassium.
 | FW’s random thoughts
Tuesday November 29th 2005, 6:59 pm |
I give you random thoughts a la Fellowwalken.
If you haven’t yet, go fucking see Rent.
I never understood why dogs always had to attack mailmen. Then I think of Karl Malone.
When I was 6 years old I was inside of a Wal-Mart with my father. Underneath the cokes I put a booger. I wonder if it is still there.
I asked my eyeball doctor how contacts stay on eyes. He said some crazy shit, honestly I didn’t pay attention. My mind shut down when he didn’t start off the explanation by talking about invisible glue.
I had a friend who used to always try to be funny. One day while drinking a Dr. Pepper he looked at me and asked this. “Hey just what is Dr. Pepper a doctor of huh? hahahaha Ya know what I mean hahahaha.” Its a doctor of flavor, you fucking retard! Is what i said. . . . . of flavor.
Am I the only one uncomfortable when the word poo being in shampoo. I personally don’t know what sham means. . . but it I bet it doesn’t counteract using shit to wash your hair.
Unpossible= The next MSN
Booger= 15 years and holding on strong!!
| Dirty talk with FW
Tuesday November 29th 2005, 12:23 am |
Without PJ around I guess that I have to pick up the slack when it comes to updates. I look over at my handy schedule and it seems that today is dirty talk. But I really shouldn’t do that, you can ask some of my former lovers. All zero of them. My dirty talk during/before/after sex is quite sad. And cue the examples!! By the way, don’t steal these. Copyrighted by FW.
What baby? I have been done for like 3 minutes.
Hey baby ya know how I like to write it down when I do it. Does it look cooler with a U or a O.?
That better be salsa.
Ya know that thing you do? I think you called it the Beatles plus a rolling stone. Oh you didn’t think of that. Hey do you know Jackie’s number?
What’s really hood bitch?
Hey that dog show starts in 3 mins. So lets get to it.
Is there anyway that you could do the laundry and do this. I mean you could like moonwalk on your knees.
Unpossible= The next MSN
Fellowwalken= A sex kitten.
| All FW baby
Monday November 28th 2005, 5:30 pm Filed under: FellowWalken,Funny |
PJ died this last week while trying to “stuff” a turkey. Oh and a gun. Yeah a gun shot him. I just said the stuffing thing because I thought it was funny. So it is all FW for this week. Oh and FW is doing a guest comic on SPACE MONKEYS this week, so go there now and go there on Wednesday. I totally rule. FW out!!
| Spiders! SPIDERS!
Saturday November 26th 2005, 1:46 am |
Every so often I have to do a post about spiders. And make the obligatory Shatner reference. That was easy.
pjgallaga: and honestly, i’m utterly impressed that you’re not dead
pjgallaga: you were able to fend off the metallic spiders i sent, yes?
pjgallaga: that’s fantastic
pjgallaga: most people just flat out die
pjgallaga: i have to tell you that the second wave won’t be so forgiving, though
pjgallaga: i suggest you stock up on as much duct tape as you can find
pjgallaga: oh
pjgallaga: and there’s the tiny matter of the ghosts i’ve been able to commission
pjgallaga: you’re going to need to find yourself some sort of plasma ray gun or something
pjgallaga: i don’t know what your preference is in dealing with the supernatural
pjgallaga: but plasma is usually the best way to go
pjgallaga: i’ll let you figure that out though
pjgallaga: alright, then
pjgallaga: see you in hell
VALENC2003: what
VALENC2003: je ne comprende pas
pjgallaga: oh…
pjgallaga: hmm
pjgallaga: you didn’t have to fight any metallic spiders recently?
pjgallaga: metallic spiders that were trying to kill you?
VALENC2003: not that i can recall
VALENC2003: wait a sec
VALENC2003: i did see one last night in my restroom
VALENC2003: but it wasnt metallic
pjgallaga: naw, see…it would’ve been like a swarm
pjgallaga: dammit
pjgallaga: fucking UPS
pjgallaga: okay
pjgallaga: well
pjgallaga: i can’t very well send another wave because you’ll be expecting them
pjgallaga: umm….
pjgallaga: if you happen to come across something trying to kill you in the next couple days, don’t jump to conclusions about my involvement
VALENC2003: dont worry , I have a two sec memor…..what was i saying
pjgallaga: that’s a good girl
pjgallaga: i always feel really dirty when i say that
VALENC2003: so what are metallic spiders?
pjgallaga: metallic spiders are spiders that are metallic
pjgallaga: mechanical, if you will
pjgallaga: they do bidding
pjgallaga: my bidding
pjgallaga: and they’re quite pointy
pjgallaga: and they hurt
pjgallaga: so they’re obviously tailored for my bidding
pjgallaga: you should come over
pjgallaga: and we can have crazy monkey sex
pjgallaga: or make metallic spiders
pjgallaga: whichever’s your preference
VALENC2003: ahhhh
pjgallaga: so are you coming over to make spiders/love?
VALENC2003: you live too far
pjgallaga: ah
pjgallaga: too bad
pjgallaga: i could use some spiders right about now
VALENC2003: ahh im sowwy
pjgallaga: it’s okay
pjgallaga: not your fault nobody wants to make spiders with me
pjgallaga: i guess i’m too picky also
pjgallaga: i don’t like to make spiders with just anyone
VALENC2003: o so ishouldnt take this lightly huh
VALENC2003: this is a compliment
pjgallaga: sorta
pjgallaga: yeah
pjgallaga: i think it could be really nice
pjgallaga: i haven’t made spiders with anyone in a long time
VALENC2003: awww
| Poop
Monday November 21st 2005, 12:52 pm |
The subject that I would like to talk about today, really just isn’t talked about enough on this site. And that topic is poop. My first observation about poop, is that I don’t believe that women in general shit. I just cant picture someone like Nicole Kidman wiping her ass. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, for example, Madonna. We all know she shits.
Once or twice in my life I have had a brief debate with my father as to what is better, a good shit or a good piss. He has always been on the side of the shitting. I have taken the position of the good piss. He makes a good point, not much can beat a nice shit with a porn magazine in your hand. I have and still do say that the piss is better because there is never a fear of a bad piss. Sure sometimes you get some splash back on the rim, but hey put the toilet seat down. Then the mrs wont know about the pee stains, and you are a gentleman. Win, Win! But when you take a shit, you know in the back of your mind you are hoping it isn’t a bad shit. The worst part is that a good shit can go wrong at anytime. I have learned that during shits your ass wants to close. If you lose this battle while shitting, be prepared to wipe your ass like 60 times. Then while wiping sometimes shit will get on your like ass crack. So you gotta wipe that, then you look at the toilet paper. There isn’t that much shit stain on the toilet paper, so you have a debate whether to use that piece still. See how tough it can be. Well there it is, Poop.
Unpossible= The next MSN
Unpossible= Down the shitter. LOL!!!
| DOs and DON’Ts
Sunday November 20th 2005, 8:17 pm |
Sometimes things just work out. You wear your little black dress after you’ve spent all week doing pilates and screaming bloody murder at anyone who asks if you want salad dressing, and (s)he finally pops the question with that rock you’ve been eyeing forever and a look on the face that verifies (s)he hasn’t figured out that you’re a fraud yet. Cinderella would lick your hole to be in your slippers right now.
It is not funny to fuck with recovering alcoholics. What am I saying? Of course it’s funny to fuck with recovering alcoholics. It’s totally your friend’s fault when they let themselves go so much that they look like Ug Lee from Salute Your Shorts even though they’re the wrong sex and don’t even have the fucking hat. Get it right or pay the price, bitch.
 | Yes, she’s blonde…
Friday November 18th 2005, 5:52 pm |
Ok today’s convo took place at work a few days back… and for those of you not in like with racist jokes… well this convo involves one… so yea…. let the convo commence…
Ok let me set the scene for you, im at work, Hollister for those that dont know, which employs only the smartest and finest the city has to offer… so anyway, im constantly surrounded by dumb motherfuckers… im in a group of people and direct my question to one girl, who in fact is in her third year in college, and this is key…
Me: Hey Meagan, wanna hear a joke?
Meagan a.k.a. dumbest bitch on the planet: Sure i love jokes.
Me: Ok. Why do black people have nightmares?
D.B.o.t.P: Ummm… i dont know, why?
Me: ‘Cause we killed the only one with a dream.
Laughter comes from all those within earshot, except her.
Me: You know MLK.
Meagan looking puzzled.
Me: Martin Luther King Jr.
D.B.o.t.P: … So, why did we kill a king?
At which point i shot myself in the head.
the quiet things no one ever knows
| Scopes: November 17-23rd
Thursday November 17th 2005, 2:53 pm |
Scopes!!
Aries 3/21-4/19 You think you are hot shit don’t you? Always at the top of the fucking list. If I had my way I would write you the worst fucking horoscope ever, just to see the look on your smug fucking faces. But it is not up to me, its up to the stars. And this week the stars say, “Have a nice week.” Fucking stars!
Taurus 4/20-5/20 Give that little extra effort this week. When you are fucking, push a little harder. When you run, run a little faster. When you dance, dance your ass off. When you die this week, die with all your heart. Whoops, umm what?
Gemini 5/21-6/21 The stars are shining on you this week. Mainly because they are shitting on you. Fuck this week!! Except you M-dogg
Cancer 6/22-7/22 A couple of weeks ago I told you that you would win the lottery. Well I fucked up, I am sorry. I am not perfect. When I read the stars I thought they said lottery, but they actually said fig newton. So I hoped you enjoyed your fig newton, it isn’t a lottery, and it isn’t a cookie. But damn they are good.
Leo 7/23-8/22 Unless you want to be eating nothing but jelly sandwiches this week, I suggest buying some peanut butter, dumbass. Personally I like crunchy, fuck smooth. You can ask PJ how much I hate smooth things.
Virgo 8/23-9/22 Doesn’t Virgo kinda remind you of the word Virgin. Go out and fuck as many people as you can. I don’t care if they are ugly or fat of blind. Fuck them! You stupid virgin.
Libra 9/23-10/22 My favorite sign to talk about, mine. I will go back to last week and give myself a one word horoscope. Cowabunga!!
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 It seems that every week I just skip over you silly bastards. Since your birthdays are basically over, I guess that I will get off your back and give you a horoscope. This week your birthday will happen, or it happened soon, or it will happen soon.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 Your motto for this week should be to look at the bright side of everything. If your hand catches on fire think of the fun of picking off the scabs. When you lose all your money betting on the LA Rams think of how great eating ramen is. When your wife leaves you for another man, think of how you have that hand that didn’t catch on fire. The bright side my friends.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Brandon just give up. For the rest of you, you fucking rock.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18 Everything is going to be really easy for you this week, just have fun this week. Oh and don’t forget the tanks.
Pisces 2/19-3/20 I hate fish, therefore I hate you. I mean the stars hate you
Unpossible= The next MSN
Brandon= No seriously give up bro.
| FW’s Random Thoughts: Holidays
Wednesday November 16th 2005, 2:06 am |
I give you random thoughts a la Fellowwalken. But with a twist, a Holiday edition of random thoughts.
I have gone through all of the holidays and I figured out that only the Easter Bunny cant fly.
First the easy ones. Santa Claus can fly with the help of those weird horses. Cupid can fly because well he has wings. Turkeys are retarded birds but they can still manage to stay in the air for a little bit. For Halloween, ghosts in general can fly. And the Earth is just floating around anyways. A flat planet. It is flat, which is why Columbus Day isn’t on here.
Now some of the tricky ones. Saint Patrick’s Day uses the symbol of a leprechaun. Those guys in general are pretty fucking small. A good kick can send them flying easily. If you don’t believe me then try it. Babies are about the size of leprechauns. Kick one of those.
Black History month uses the symbol of African Americans. Black people can fly. It is as simple as that. They don’t do it when white people are around which is why I have never seen it happen. But I know, I fucking know.
Groundhogs day isn’t that simple. So fuck that holiday.
Poor Easter bunny.
Unpossible= The next MSN
Earth= Flat