 | Kesey
Friday June 03rd 2005, 10:32 am |
Especially if you’re one of those that’s been doing the signifying.
So the discovery that I was have déjà vus did not being me any ease. It only clarified the fearful murk that had been nagging me into something far more haunting: guilt. And when I closed my eyes to shut out the little face looking up from the book on my lap, I found my head crammed full of other faces waiting their turn. What was my mother going to say? Why hadn’t I phoned? Why wouldn’t I lend poor Joe a little support a while ago after all of it he’s afforded me the last two days? Why can’t I face those faces upstairs? I know now that it isn’t my fear that chains me back. It’s the bleak bottomless rock of failure, jutting remote from the black waters. Onto this hard rock I am chained. The water pounds like blame itself. The air is thick with broken promises coming home to roost, flapping and clacking their beaks and circling down to give me the same as Prometheus got…worse! Because I sailed up to those fordden heights more times than he had – as many times as I could manage the means – but instead of a flagon of fire the only thing I brought back was an empty cocktail glass… and I broke that.