DO
That iconic scene in the Transformers animated movie where Optimus Prime is cut down in his… prime shaped an entire generation into alcoholic shells of men who spot-weld their mom’s blowdryers into replica proton blasters and tape bright red and blue painted boxes together to emulate their fallen hero. It’s basic psychology. So look upon this man as a survivor and you will see the light I see. Now that you understand, what are you waiting for? Fucking transform and roll out already! *Ehnt-ehr-eoh-ahn-aunht*
DON’T
Did you ever wonder what happened to that electronic music group The Prodigy from the 90s? Yeah, me neither.
DO
Everyone in today’s society is so up-in-arms about racism and homophobia they overlook that sometimes people might have very real and traumatic reasons for such prejudices. What happened in this photo made this man a homophobe for life.
DON’T
What happened in this photo made this man afraid of himself for life.
DO
Even though old people smell and can’t remember how to close their mouths sometimes, they have an order to their cliques all the same. You’ve got the leader who’s smooth as shit (his shit probably is smooth, too), the crotchety guy who will argue with you over ten cents, the slut and the nice chick. They’re all going to die.
DON’T
This is the type of thing that can render entire civilizations infertile. Have you seen Children of Men? That screenplay was adapted from this image.
DO
This time of year, you get young women in organizations or in high school nagging you about formals this and formals that. “Man, bitch, fuck your formal; I’m Superman!” He seemed to say.
DON’T
One time, my friend Jimmy Tomlinson caught this rabid raccoon in his backyard and kept him in this wire cage for a week. One day, he went to check on the raccoon and take him some food, and the fucker had chewed through the wire and escaped. That has absolutely nothing to do with this picture. I just thought you might want to take your mind off of it for a little while.
DO
This guy is so perfect everyone else should just give up and let him have the world to himself. He’s got the hardcore posturing of a biker without the thing that makes bikers assholes – the bike. He is totally going to thrash somebody on the tram.
DON’T
Things like this make me staunchly opposed to the Western feminist “Girls’ Night Out” compulsion. Drunken pseudo-lesbianism and buffoonery are just the tip of the iceberg. The ugliest spaghetti straps you’ve ever seen and dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing, and more dancing round out the rest of the evening. Girls just wanna have fun formulaically streamlined and repulsive.
DO
Ahead of his time. This guy is pioneering the cyber orgy; doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well.
DON’T
Cops are chock-full of stories you just do not want to know exist because they see shit like this every day. It’s all fun and games until someone tragically thinks they’re a tampon. This situation quickly deteriorated into an incident that eventually resulted in a new charge being invented called “attempted insertion.”
DO
Finally.
DON’T
If you need dick this bad, you should just change your name to Richard, hang out in gay bars constantly until you meet a guy who loves Dick Van Dyke reruns, and then dictate to him your memoirs entitled: I Like Dick: The Richard Cock Story.
DO
This guy’s style is so airtight you could slide him on your dick and use him as a condom. Fuck all those people that are making a big deal about the ‘stache coming back, but damned if it isn’t. Oh. And don’t get all hypothetical on me and say that sliding him on your dick means you’re sexing him. You don’t fuck a condom do you? Besides, even if it were the case, would you really mind sexing this work of art? It’d feel as good as hate fucking this.
DON’T
“Doesn’t wearin’ this uniform just make you want to give the younger scouts a little jerk sometimes? What? Oh, me neither. I was just sayin’…”
DO
Do I really need to say anything? I mean really.
DON’T
You’d be surprised just how small the percentage of people with a fetish for corpse gondola rower really is. It’s right behind homosexual bearded lady (how would THAT work?) and just ahead of inflationary furry vore.
DO
One time this friend of mine confused the words “hobo” and “homo.” While it resulted in hilarity, I would not mind if something like that never ever happened again as a result of this becoming a popular trend.
DON’T
We here at Unp0ssible like to see cerebral palsy folks get down as much as everyone else, but tone it the fuck down, okay? I’m going to have a seizure.
